


Please...

by ColorMeRed



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Hurt, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-25 12:30:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9820622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColorMeRed/pseuds/ColorMeRed
Summary: -He felt cold again and he felt the metal against his forehead and Sonny cried out, finally ripping the gun from its holster and whipping around, finger on the trigger and the barrel pointed right between Rafael’s eyes.“SONNY!” Rafael screamed and stumbled back, hands outstretched before him as he tripped over his feet and hit the stone tile floor hard. -Sonny is damaged after his ordeal with Cole and Barba gets pulled down into the madness with him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a pathetic first time attempt at writing angst and Barisi. It's not good, and it is also not betaed. Forgive the mistakes I'm sure are there but can't find and for the story just being crappy in general.  
> If you do decided to read this, thanks. You're a good person for doing that.

_Please…_

 

 

That’s what Sonny had thought as he -odd catholic that he was- prayed as hard as he could in that moment and squeezed his eyes shut as Cole cocked the gun. The metal was frigid against his skin, so cold it almost burned, and he sucked in a strangled breath. He didn’t want to die.

 

 

_Please…_

 

 

That’s what Sonny had thought and he jolted and expected nothingness when he heard the blast of the gun, his body almost buckling from the shock of the dead silence that had so suddenly been shattered. Then he was so warm and wet and Sonny tasted something strange…tasted copper. Iron. He tasted blood. He opened his eyes and saw red at first, so he blinked hard a few times and then saw Benson, then he looked down and saw Cole’s body. He was red and still and he would soon be just as cold as the pistol that he’d had jammed to Carisi’s head only seconds ago. Sonny kicked it away hard. Benson had asked him something and he responded, but he couldn’t hear his own voice, so he wasn’t sure he had actually spoken. He stood and stared at the body for a long while, Olivia had tended to the victim. Carisi had followed the body out, taken the wet gauze from the EMT and then stood beside a cruiser, staring at the gauze and wondering what he should do with it.

 

He pulled his phone from his pocket and started numbly dialing the number. He felt guilty that he wasn’t calling his parents, that he wasn’t calling his sisters, he felt horrible because he wasn’t calling to ask to talk to his beautiful niece. He felt guilty that he wasn’t concerned with any of them right now.

 

 

_Please…_

 

 

That’s what Sonny had thought as he pressed dial and listened to the phone ring. He waited and didn’t realize he had been holding his breath until he exhaled softly when he heard the phone pick up.

 

“ _Sonny._ ” Barba sounded relieved, however Sonny could hear the masked concern lacing Rafael’s words.

 

Sonny drank in the sound of the lawyers voice, listening like it was the rarest song.

 

“ _Are you alright? Did you catch Cole? I’ve been waiting for someone to call me._ ”

 

“Hey Rafael,” Sonny whispered, he hadn’t noticed he had still been shaking until he felt himself grow still. “Everything is fine. Cole was shot by Benson. Got to the vic in time.”

 

“ _Shot?_ ” Rafael asked, his voice now openly worried. “ _Sonny, are you alright? What happened, why was he shot?_ ”

 

Carisi turned to give himself something to do, fidgeting, uncomfortable standing so still, and looked to the patrol car beside him. He froze, his eyes widening…that’s what the gauze was for. He looked at his blood crusted face in the cruiser window and pulled his phone away some, glancing at the thick red smear across the screen.

 

He blinked when he heard loud shouting.

 

“ _Sonny!_ ”

 

Dominick snapped the phone back to his ear.

 

“Y-yeah, yeah, sorry Rafi. Uh, Cole had a gun, Benson had to do what she had to do.” Carisi stammered.

 

“ _Sonny…_ ” It was a soft, almost whisper. “ _Sonny are you alright?_ ”

 

 

_Please…_

 

 

That’s what Sonny had thought as he swallowed hard and took a moment to make sure his voice would hold when he spoke.

 

“Rafael, is it alright if I stay at your place tonight?” He asked.

 

Sonny could practically hear the concern seeping from Barba.

 

“ _Of course, I’ll leave the office early. When will you be on your way?_ ”

 

Sonny smiled despite himself, Rafael was so selfish and so selfless.

 

“About an hour or two. Gotta finish up here and then head to the precinct.”

 

“ _Alright, I’ll be waiting for you._ ” Rafael said, Sonny thought he heard the click of Barba’s briefcase.

 

“Thank you, Rafi.” Sonny whispered.

 

“ _Be careful Sonny. I’ll see you tonight._ ” Rafael spoke gently.

 

 

 

Sonny didn’t remember finishing up at the station, didn’t really hear Benson as she told him to go home and take a few days to collect himself. He had been numb and blind and deaf, his mind replaying Cole, their conversation, the feeling of the gun against his skin, how cold he had been, how hard he had been shaking. He remembered thinking about Barba, he remembered wanting to talk to him more in that one moment than he had in his entire time knowing him. He had wanted to tell him how much he loved him, how perfect he was, how damn _grouchy_ he was. He had wanted Rafael’s warmth, he had wanted Rafael’s lips against his forehead. Not Cole’s gun. Carisi didn’t remember finding his way to his car, he didn’t realize how hard he was gripping the steering-wheel, how he had sat in the car for a long time before starting it and numbly turning on the heat that didn’t warm him.

 

He remembered how hot Cole's blood had been.

 

 

It hadn’t been warm.

 

 

It had been _hot_.

 

 

It had been hot and sticky, it had run down his face and he had felt it seeping into the collar of his shirt, and he had felt blood on his hands, and legs, and in his mouth and eyes. Sonny did remember turning the heat off and rolling down the window.

 

Carisi didn’t know when he finally got to Rafael’s apartment, but it was finally black outside and he walked numbly to the elevator and weakly pressed the button for the 7th floor. He waited in the dead silence of the large elevator, it was so big, and quiet, and every noise echoed off and around it.

 

 

Just like the attic.

 

 

It was cold.

 

 

It was big, too big.

 

 

It was quiet.

 

 

It was empty and quiet and you could hear everything and nothing.

 

 

Anyone could be hiding.

 

 

Anyone…

 

 

Sonny jumped at the loud ‘ding’ and the doors shot open, his breath hitching in his throat. He waited for a moment and then stepped out of the elevator, walking shakily to Rafael’s apartment, knocking on the door only twice before it swung open.

 

Sonny almost turned around and left.

 

 

_Please..._

 

 

That’s what Sonny had thought as he looked into Rafael’s frantic eyes, those bright green orbs staring desperately up at him, into his own blue eyes, and Sonny licked his lips nervously. He looked at Rafael and took in the sheer and unbridled fear pouring off the smaller man and Sonny frowned sadly.

 

“Benson called me.”

 

Carisi was taken aback by the softness of the statement.

 

He had expected something harsher.

 

“He held you at _gun_ point…” Barba said, his voice growing weaker.

 

Sonny nodded slowly and watched as Rafael reached up a hand Sonny tried not to notice was shaking slightly. It skimmed his hairline before soft fingers traced through his hair. Sonny knew he still had blood on him, he had tried so hard to get it off, get it out of his hair, off of his skin, out of his mouth. Carisi felt his stomach turn and he swallowed roughly, a sudden taste of copper on his tongue again. Sonny felt Rafael pulling him out of the hallway and into the apartment. Carisi would have laughed if he had been himself, noticing how Rafael hadn’t made him take his shoes off at the front door. He would have laughed because Rafael always nagged him about taking his shoes off at the door no matter what the circumstances.

 

Sonny would have laughed…

 

Sonny would have laughed if he had been himself, but he wasn’t himself. He was cold still, he was shaking, he was empty and scared and he felt so pathetically broken that it was overwhelming. He still tasted copper in his mouth and he still felt his face burn with the searing hot touch of fresh blood. Blood that had been forced from its natural home and was now trying to seep into Carisi.

 

 

Seeping into him.

 

 

Infect him with Cole.

 

 

Make him like Cole.

 

 

Make him not Sonny.

 

 

“Sonny?”

 

A door shut and then hands cupped his face and Carisi blinked hard, his world slightly blurred. He cocked his head and breathed a strangled little breath and Rafael looked up at him with beautiful green eyes.

 

“Hey Rafi.” Sonny smiled shakily.

 

Sonny knew Barba would have been chewing on the sides of his nails if he had free rein of his hands. Instead Rafael just stroked Sonny’s cheeks softly, his thumbs running back and forth gently.

 

“Why don’t we take a shower?” Rafael said.

 

Carisi froze and his small smile dropped. Sonny didn’t want a shower, not with Rafael. The blood would get everywhere. On the walls, the floor, the shower curtain, Rafael. He didn’t want to see Rafael red. Sonny didn’t want Rafael to feel the blood that had honestly felt like molten _lava_ running down Carisi’s face earlier. He didn’t want Rafael to experience the sharp and heavy taste of iron in his mouth. He didn’t –

 

“Sonny?”

 

It was almost meek in its gentle softness.

 

Sonny blinked hard a few times and noticed his hands were wrapped around Rafael’s smaller wrists, holding tightly, almost tight enough to bruise. Sonny wondered idly why Rafael was shaking so badly, but then noticed it wasn’t Barba who was trembling. Dominick slowly released the other man’s hands, surprised by the angry red marks his grip had left. He looked to Rafael with wide, sad blue eyes and went to apologize.

 

“It’ll be alright, Sonny.” Rafael whispered, running his thumbs over Carisi’s cheeks again.

 

Sonny nodded and he wasn’t sure if it was for Rafael’s benefit or his own.

 

Sonny let Barba take him to the bedroom, then sit him on the bed. Rafael then went into the bathroom and turned the shower on, coming back out a few moments later. Sonny swallowed hard and stood, meeting Rafael half way.

 

 

_Please…_

 

 

That’s what Sonny had thought as he took Barba’s hands in his, holding them gently and staring at the still present red marks on the dark skin. He ran his hands up Rafael’s arms and then to his face, Barba smiled sadly, but proudly, and it broke Sonny’s heart and Sonny just wanted to kiss him, but he couldn’t.

 

He wouldn’t.

 

Not with the taste of Cole’s blood still in his mouth.

 

“Rafi, please don’t shower with me.” Sonny said.

 

Barba looked worried.

 

Barba looked hurt and worried.

 

Sonny tried to give him one of his usual grins.

 

“I just want to get the blood off first.”

 

 

_Please…_

 

 

That’s what Sonny had thought as Rafael opened his mouth to protest, but at Sonny’s pleading, and what Sonny himself was sure desperate, gaze, only nodded his head.

 

“I’ll just be outside.” Rafael softly replied, turning his face into Carisi’s hand, kissing it softly.

 

Sonny could have broken, he could have broken right there and let Rafael pick up all the tiny pieces Dominick knew he himself wouldn’t be able to find. But he couldn't do that, Carisi couldn't break. Not in front of Rafael, he couldn't throw that heavy burden onto Barba, he wouldn't. Carisi nodded and gave one last gentle stroke across Barba’s face before he went into the bathroom. He stalled when he walked in, the steam hitting him in the face and he smiled softly. Barba had thrown scented bath salts into the shower. It smelled clean and sharp, a hard scent to inhale if you weren’t used to it.

 

It always gave Rafael a headache.

 

Rafael never used them.

 

Sonny smiled softly as he breathed in the calming scent.

 

Turning he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, foggy as it was, he could still see himself and suddenly he couldn’t breathe. Blood…blood was everywhere. It was on him, on his clothes, his face, in his hair, his hair was caked with it and his shirt was red and his pants and his hands. Sonny inhaled sharply as air seemed suddenly sparse and he tore at his clothes violently, ripping the buttons from the shirt and disconnecting the zipper from his pants as he fumbled with the belt and gun. He could hear Cole whispering in his ear then, could feel the blood running down his face and hear their victim trying her best to scream. He could hear Cole behind him, talking to him, and Carisi felt his body give way to the frigid air of that cold attic. He heard Cole cock the gun and he took trembling hands and groped at his own pistol, trying to pull it from the holster and suddenly he saw a body in the mirror, he saw his body and then another and the gun was stuck and Carisi panicked.

 

He felt cold again and he felt the metal against his forehead and Sonny cried out, finally ripping the gun from its holster and whipping around, finger on the trigger and the barrel pointed right between Rafael’s eyes.

 

“SONNY!” Rafael screamed and stumbled back, hands outstretched before him as he tripped over his feet and hit the stone tile floor hard.

 

Carisi saw red, Cole’s blood was on his face and he _felt_ it. He _tasted_ it. Sonny saw the body and felt the blood and he was cold and he could feel the pistol jammed against his forehead.

 

“Sonny it’s me!” Barba cried, shielding himself as Sonny trembled before him, gun aimed at the smaller man.

 

Carisi froze.

 

 

Rafael wasn’t in the attic.

 

 

He was at the office.

 

 

Barba was at the office and had left early so Sonny could see him and Rafael was letting Sonny stay over at his place.

 

 

_Please…_

 

 

That’s what Sonny had thought as the gun clattered loudly to the floor and he dropped to his knees, crawling quickly over to Rafael and grabbing him.

 

“Rafi, Rafi look at me!” Sonny quipped, his chest tight and his eyes stinging.

 

Rafael gripped onto to Sonny’s arms and turned frightened green eyes up to blue.

 

Guilty and horrified blue.

 

Crying blue eyes.

 

Rafael swallowed hard and sat up, breathing shakily and looking at Sonny.

 

“Rafi-“ Barba’s arms around his neck silenced the detective and Sonny froze.

 

“Sonny…” Rafael whispered, his words shaking just as bad as his body. “ _Sonny_ let me _help_ you…”

 

Carisi wasn’t sure how long he sat there, how long he had stared blankly ahead at the wall while the water ran and the steam fogged up the bathroom and Rafael hugged him. He wasn’t sure that the sound that he had felt rip its way from his throat had been anything close to human. He wasn’t sure how someone could cry so hard and not break to pieces, not shatter into nothingness.

 

What he was sure of was the strong arms wrapped around him, holding him closely. He was sure of the voice that whispered so gently into his ear, was sure as it whispered of promises and safety. He was sure of Rafael letting him sob against him, of Rafael letting him wail in a tortured agony which Sonny hadn’t known you could feel without a physical wound. Sonny was sure of the fact that in this instant, even in this wretched second that seemed to drag out for a life time, he had never loved Rafael more. He had never felt him more than right now, felt every muscle in his body, felt them tremble, how he had never heard him more than now, his beautiful voice and its deep rumbles that sent waves of calm over Sonny.

 

Sonny couldn’t think of any time more than now that Sonny had ever loved Rafael so much and suddenly Carisi had his wits about him again, pulling away from Rafael Dominick looked into those bright green eyes which glistened softly, and Sonny chose not to remark on it because Barba’s pride was a fragile thing, and cupped the lawyers face with his large hands.

 

“Rafael,” Sonny whispered hoarsely.

 

Barba cocked his head at Sonny's very uncommon use of his first name.

 

“Rafael I love you.”

 

Barba froze.

 

Sonny watched and waited, it seemed like forever.

 

The water seemed to fall slower and the room was warm and Sonny saw his gun out of the corner of his eye and it made him sick.

 

“I love you more.”

 

The response took Sonny by surprise and he blinked.

 

Once.

 

Twice.

 

 

_Please…_

 

 

That’s what Sonny had thought as he pulled Barba close to him, crushing their lips together and grabbing his face with one hand while cupping his other against the back of his neck. He felt them become one, unable to tell himself from the smaller man who whimpered against him and clawed at him, pulling him impossibly closer. Sonny struggled to figure out which limbs belonged to who and which pitiful sounds were coming from which man.

 

But then Sonny just didn’t care, and he knew Rafael didn’t either. All Sonny cared about was here and now. Here in Rafael’s apartment, here in the bathroom of that apartment where Sonny had almost shot Rafael, here in the floor where Sonny had broken and let Rafael hold him and beg him to let him help and where Sonny had finally said the words he’d always wanted to, but never had the nerve to before.

 

All Sonny cared about was now, right now, with Rafael hugging him so close and kissing him so deep and whispering between strangled little breaths how much he loved him. Right now was all Sonny cared about as he whispered it back and stroked Barba’s beautiful face, his tear stained face which Sonny still didn’t comment on, because Barba’s pride really was so fragile and right now Sonny didn’t want anything else to break. Sonny breaking was enough for one day and right here, right now, Sonny just wanted this.

 

This would make him okay. Because right now….right now there was no attic, no cold, no gun or Cole or searing hot blood running down his face and into his mouth….. right now there was just Sonny and Rafael and that was all Sonny wanted.

 

 

_Please…_

 

 

That’s what Sonny had thought as he closed his eyes and pulled Rafael closer, their tears intermingling and their weary hearts beating in time.

 

 

“Please…”

**Author's Note:**

> End notes and stuff…. Not a clue what I was doing here apart from dribbling bullshit everywhere and hoping it ended up going somewhere (Which I don’t think it did). But I wanted to write something, anything really, and get a feel for Barsis, since this is my first time ever writing it, and type up a story about poor lil Sonny getting held at gun point and grumpy Rafael experiencing some feels to.


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